The Blue Side of the Farce
by DWH
Summary: Shamelessly spoofing my own story. Some scenes are just too silly to go in the main body, but they demand to be written anyway. So here's my repository of silliness.
1. Oh, Beter Far to Live and Die

_:Be wary of the one you find in there. His thoughts are slippery.:_

Whatever that had meant, Arden wasn't sure she wanted to know. It had been too many years since she'd actually used the Force to remember what slippery thoughts entailed. However, Kreia had seen fit to warn her, so she might as well be careful. Pressing a sequence of buttons, she watched as the door flew open and revealed the room's lone occupant- a rather scruffy-looking human male with a bored expression on his face that quickly changed into a leering smile when he saw her walk in.

"Nice outfit. What, did the miners change their uniforms while I've been in here?"

Arden crossed her arms over her chest, it was rather unfortunate that she hadn't been able to locate any clothes before running into anyone. The only coverings that seemed to be around were still on corpses, and she really wasn't interesting in wearing a suit peeled off anyone's dying body. "How about you just keep your eyes pointed up and tell me who you are and what you're doing here?"

"Uhh…" he stuffed his hands in his pockets, as though he were considering something.

After a few long moments, Arden tried again. "I didn't think the question was all that difficult, unless you've got something to hide."

"Sweetheart, we've all got something to hide. But that's not what I was thinking about."

"Well, what _were_ you thinking about?"

"You mean besides your, uh, wonderfully attractive attire?"

Arden pointed her finger at him and looked at him sourly. "What did I say about keeping those eyes pointed up? And you can keep your mind pointed up while you're at it."

"Oh, fine. But that's still not what I was thinking about."

"Okay, then why do you keep changing the subject, only to bring it back up again?"

The man removed his hands from his pockets and scratched the back of his head. "It's, well… it's kind of random, really."

"Random I can deal with, but not until I know what it _is_."

"Well, see… I've always wanted to introduce myself with a song."

Arden stopped and gaped at him for a moment. "A song?"

"Yeah, you heard me. A song! Something snappy and catchy, you know? But I always thought I'd sound silly. I mean, uh, not that I'm ever silly or anything."

"A song." Arden had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. "Do you have a number prepared or something?"

"Actually," he started, and then stopped. "Never mind. I'll sound ridiculous."

"You already do," she pointed out. "You're standing there in a force cage, talking about introducing yourself with a song."

"Well, when you put it that way…"

There was a pause. "So, do I get to hear this song?"

The man stood there for a moment, apparently trying to decide if he actually wanted to break into song. It was a rather incongruous thought, as most musical numbers don't take place in captivity on abandoned mining stations. However, whether it was the half-naked presence of Arden, or the lack of presence of anyone else that made the difference, he finally came to a decision. "All right, I'll sing it for you. But you'd better not laugh."

Arden schooled her face into the most serious expression she could manage, and nodded sagely. "Never, of course."

"Okay. And I'm going to have to sing the chorus part, too… since I don't have extra people with me."

_He wrote an introduction with a chorus? This is one strange little man…_ Out loud, she said, "Great."

He straightened up into his best singing posture, took a deep breath, and started.

_Oh, better far to live and die_

_Under the brave black flag I fly,_

_Than play a sanctimonious part,_

_With a scoundrel head and a scoundrel heart._

_Away to the cheating world go you,_

_Where scoundrels all are well-to-do;_

_But I'll be true to the song I sing,_

_And live and die a Scoundrel King._

_For I am a Scoundrel King!_

_And it is, it is a glorious thing_

_To be a Scoundrel King!_

_For I am a Scoundrel King!_

_You are!_

_Hurrah for our Scoundrel King!_

_And it is, it is a glorious thing_

_To be a Scoundrel King._

_It is!_

_Hurrah for our Scoundrel King!_

_Hurrah for the Scoundrel King!_

_When I sally forth to seek my prey_

_I help myself in a royal way._

_I blast a few more ships, it's true,_

_Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;_

_But many a king on a first-class throne,_

_If he wants to call his crown his own,_

_Must manage somehow to get through_

_More dirty work than ever I do,_

_For I am a Scoundrel King!_

_And it is, it is a glorious thing_

_To be a Scoundrel King!_

_For I am a Scoundrel King!_

_You are!_

_Hurrah for the Scoundrel King!_

_And it is, it is a glorious thing_

_To be a Scoundrel King._

_It is!_

_Hurrah for our Scoundrel King!_

_Hurrah for the Scoundrel King!_

He finished with a smile. "The name's Atton, by the way. You'll excuse me if I don't shake hands, the energy shield only causes mild electrical burns."

"Right. I'm Arden Moore… and now how about telling me a little more about what's going on here?"


	2. Phenomenon

Carth Onasi blinked at the controls of the Ebon Hawk. They had just crashed for reasons he couldn't quite explain on who even knew what planet, and all he could say was, "Well, that's an interesting phenomenon."

"Doo doooo de doo doo."

He whirled around. Leiraya was standing behind him with an innocent look on her face. "What?"

"Oh… I just get the urge to do that any time someone says that word."

"What word? Phenomenon?"

"Doot doodoo do."

"Phenomenon?"

"Doo dooooo de doodoo, de doodoo, de doodoo, de doobie doodoo doot doo dooooo doo."

"Leiraya?"

"Yes?"

"You're really strange."


	3. Unhackable Security

Bastila stood staring blankly at the screen in front of her. "I can't believe we've found a terminal that T3 can't hack."

Aiden shrugged. "Well, Davik is more likely to have non-traditional methods of coding, seeing as he's not exactly the most reputable fellow in the world."

"Well, we need to get into that hangar, and fast." Bastila looked around, the walls were still shaking. Something very, very bad was about to happen, the Force was positively tingling with what she had come to refer to as the oh-sith-we're-in-trouble vibe.

"What does the terminal say?"

"It doesn't say much... there's just this picture, with lots and lots of people doing very strange things. I can hardly make out what it could mean."

Aiden raised an eyebrow skeptically. That wasn't standard. "It doesn't say anything at all?"

Bastila rechecked the terminal. "Actually, it does say something, but I still don't find it helpful."

"Well, what does it say?"

She looked at the screen, and turned to him with an expression of pure confusion. "Where's Waldo?"


	4. The Evil Sith Lord Ewok of d00m

"You so completely cannot blame what just happened on me."

"Oh yeah?" Aiden snorted. "_You're_ the one who has a penchant for the ridiculous, and sure enough, something ridiculous always happens when you're around."

Leiraya leaned on her cane and looked sourly at him. "It's not like I called him into existence or something."

"Well, how are we supposed to explain _that,_ though?" He pointed at the Ewok lying on the ground.

"Suggestion: Master, I think you should just leave it out of your report."

Aiden looked over at HK-47. "Don't you think someone's going to want to know about it?"

"Observation: Given the circumstances, I'm not sure anyone would believe your story."

Wouldn't they? Well, he had to admit it was a bit far out there. It started out innocuously enough, walking through Anchorhead with Leiraya, Carth, and HK-47. He knew that Tatooine was crawling with all sorts of interesting characters and they would have to watch their step, but he had not expected to be accosted by an Ewok in the street.

The furry little creature stood defiantly in their path, black hood over its head and short cloak trailing behind him. Before Aiden could even raise an eyebrow, he released a jabbering flurry of what he assumed were threats, and looked at them menacingly.

"Translation:" HK-47 offered. "The miniature meatbag states that you will be a fine prize to return to Lord Malak."

"You've got to be kidding me." Aiden shook his head. "I'm being threatened by a teddy bear."

The Ewok glowered at them, waved his furry fist in Aiden's general direction, and jabbered emphatically.

"Translation: He says that he understood that, and he is not kidding you, for he is the evil, lightsaber-wielding Sith Lord Ewok."

The Ewok mumbled a few more words. "Slight modification: He is the evil, lightsaber-wielding Sith Lord Ewok of doom." HK-47 paused for a moment, then added, "Suggestion: I say we blast the miniature meatbag, as he is clearly looking for trouble."

Before he was able to muster a reply, the Ewok flew into action. He lit a tiny lightsaber in his furry little paws, and attempted a leaping arc over Leiraya's head. He was not, however, expecting her to react the way she did. Seeing his flight over her head, she quickly shoved her cane in the air, knocking him back down on the ground in front of her. Before he could recover, she whirled it around and clocked him over the head with the grip. The Ewok collapsed, and so he sat in the middle of the road.

Surveying the scene, Aiden had to admit the assassination 'droid was right. If someone had told him this story, he wouldn't believe it, either.

"Well, we can't just _leave_ him there."

"Sure we can. He's relatively harmless, right? I mean, once you take away his toothpick of a lightsaber…" Leiraya shrugged. "I don't see why we can't just let him recover, hopefully forgetting he ran into us."

Carth nodded in agreement. "There's no reason to think he's a threat. If he tries anything else, I'm pretty sure we can handle him."

Aiden looked from Carth, to Leiraya, and back to the Ewok. "I swear, this mission is going to cost me my sanity…"


	5. Return of the Sith Lord Ewok of d00m

Aiden was determined to get off that broiler of a planet as soon as he could. Having retrieved the Star Map, there really wasn't anything left for him to do. Carth, Leiraya, and HK-47 in tow, they made their way towards the docks.

Upon their arrival, they were greeted with a most unwelcome sight.

"Eeechee wa maa!" the furry little creature exclaimed, waving its arms about in an angered frenzy.

"Translation: The miniature meatbag states that he is most displeased at his treatment last time we met, and demands his weapon back."

Aiden blinked. "He's back?"

Carth shrugged. "Well, you know, he must not have much to do with his time... I imagine they don't give him too many assignments."

"Look, you," Aiden pointed an annoyed finger at the Ewok. "You may be the Evil, not-quite-so-Lightsaber wielding Sith Lord Ewok of d00m, but I'm an impatient Jedi who doesn't feel like dealing with you."

The Ewok jabbered something that sounded quite irritated, which HK-47 once again translated. "Translation: He doesn't care what you feel like, Master, if he cared about feelings he never would have ceased going to therapy."

Aiden looked at the spaceport around him. All sorts of alien creatures were milling about, seemingly oblivious to the goings-on with the diminuitive Sith. He had rather hoped the little guy would get discouraged after the half-crippled one had knocked him out with her cane, but apparently this guy was particularly dense.

"Listen," Leiraya spoke up. "Let's make a deal."

The Ewok jabbered cautiously, but with no small amount of curiosity. "Translation: He does not trust you, but he will listen to your offer before he kills you."

Leiraya smirked and leaned on her cane. "You leave us alone, and I won't let it get out that you were clocked over the head by a cane. Leave now, and I won't try to spread the rumour that it was done by a little old lady crossing the street."

The Ewok chittered and squeaked with a great deal of excitement. "Translation: The miniature meatbag says you wouldn't!"

"Oh yes, I would." She put her free hand on her hip. "Take it or leave it."

The Ewok stood there for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. Finally, he sunk his head in dejection. Chattering something that sounded resentful, he stomped out of the spaceport.

Aiden looked from her to the retreating Ewok. "I don't know how you did that... but you're absolutely insane. And so am I."


	6. The Gilbert and Sullivan Collection

**My Gallant Crew, Good Morning!**

**CARTH**

My gallant crew, good morning!

**PARTY MEMBERS** (saluting).

Sir, good morning!

CARTH 

I hope you're all quite well.

**PARTY MEMBERS** (as before).

Quite well; and you, sir?

CARTH 

I am in reasonable health, and happy

To meet you all once more.

**PARTY MEMBERS** (as before).

You do us proud, sir!

SONG -- CARTH ONASI CARTH 

I am the Captain of the Ebon Hawk!

PARTY MEMBERS 

And a right good captain, too!

CARTH 

You're very, very good,

And be it understood,

I command a right good crew,

PARTY MEMBERS 

We're very, very good,

And be it understood,

He commands a right good crew.

**CARTH**

Though I'm often on the run,

I am handy with a gun,

And I take them every place;

I am never known to quail

At the furry of a gale,

And I'm never, never sick in space!

PARTY MEMBERS 

What, never?

**CARTH**

No, never!

PARTY MEMBERS 

What, never?

CARTH 

Well... hardly ever!

PARTY MEMBERS 

He's hardly ever sick in space!

Then give three cheers, and give a squawk,

For the hardy Captain of the Ebon Hawk!

Then give three cheers, and give a squawk,

For the Captain of the Ebon Hawk!

CARTH 

I do my best to satisfy you all--

PARTY MEMBERS 

And with you we're quite content.

**CARTH**

You're exceedingly polite,

And I think it only right

To return the compliment.

PARTY MEMBERS 

We're exceedingly polite,

And he thinks it's only right

To return the compliment.

CARTH 

Bad language or abuse,

I never, never use,

Whatever the emergency;

Though "bother it" I may

Occasionally say,

I never use a big, big D--

PARTY MEMBERS 

What, never?

CARTH 

No, never!

**PARTY MEMBERS** (very disbelieving)

What, never?

CARTH 

Hardly ever!

PARTY MEMBERS 

Hardly ever swears a big, big D--

Then give three cheers, and give a squawk,

For the well-bred Captain of the Ebon Hawk!

Then give three cheers, and give a squawk,

For the Captain of the Ebon Hawk!

The 'Droid I Found On Tatooine 

**AIDEN:**

The 'Droid I found on Tatooine, tra la!

Brings hope that my en'mies will die

The level of violence he brings, tra la!

As his blaster dances and sings, tra la!

And fire goes flying by

As fire goes flying by

And that's what I mean when I say that a thing

Is as great as that 'droid I found on Tatooine

Tra la la la laa

Tra la la la laa

The 'droid I found on Tatooine

With CHORUS

Tra la la la laa

Tra la la la laa!

Tra la la la, la la

**CARTH:**

The 'droid you found on Tatooine, tra la!

Has nothing to do with the case

In case you just haven't seen, tra la!

Our fighting has constantly been, tra la!

On a level quite far from disgrace,

On a level quite far from disgrace.

And that's what I mean when I say all these things-

Oh bother, that 'droid you found on Tatooine

Tra la la la laa

Tra la la la laa

Oh bother 'droids from Tatooine

with CHORUS

Tra la la la laa

Tra la la la laa!

Tra la la la, la la!

With Cat-Like Tread, Upon Our Prey We Steal 

Upon entering the Star Forge:

**JEDI:** (very loud)

With cat-like tread,

Upon our prey we steal;

In silence dread,

Our cautious way we feel.

No sound at all!

We never speak a word;

A fly's foot-fall

Would be distinctly heard--

**SITH:**

(softly) Tarantara, tarantara!

**JEDI:**

So stealthily the Jedi creeps,

While all the station soundly sleeps.

Come, friends, who travel space,

Truce to navigation;

Take another station;

Let's tear apart this place

And see the look on Malak's face!

Come, friends, who travel space,

Truce to navigation;

Take another station;

Let's tear apart this place

And see the look on Malak's face!

**CANDEROUS:**

(distributing implements to various members of the gang)

Here's your saber and your gauntlets,

Your life-preserver -- you may end up hit!

Your stealth field beltage, your Force power seize,

Take your card and your universal keys.

**SITH:**

Tarantara!

**JEDI**:

With cat-like tread

**SITH:**

Tarantara!

**JEDI:**

In silence dread,

Enter AIDEN, LEIRAYA and CARTH

**ALL** (fortissimo).

With cat-like tread,

Upon our prey we steal;

In silence dread,

Our cautious way we feel.

No sound at all!

We never speak a word;

A fly's foot-fall

Would be distinctly heard--

Come, friends, who travel space,

Truce to navigation;

Take another station;

Let's tear apart this place

And see the look on Malak's face!

With cat-like tread,

Upon our prey we steal;

In silence dread,

Our cautious way we feel.

**Modern Major Canderous (I Am the Model of the Leader of the Clans of Mandalore)**

**Canderous:**

I am the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore

I've information present and of all things that have gone before

I know the Knights of Coruscant, and quote the fights historical

From Onderon to Malachor, in order categorical

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical

About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotepotenuse

**Canderous:**

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous

In short, in matters present and of all things that have gone before

I am the model of the leader of the clans of mandalore

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

In short in matters present, and of all things that have gone before

He is the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore

**Canderous:**

I know our mythic history, of Revan and the great Sith War

I blast all en'my fighters, I've a taste for missiles that go far

I quote in elegiacs all the tales of flying Basilisks

And tell in gory detail all the times that I have taken risks

I can tell undoubted Jedi traps from many miles away in space

I know the number of grenades it takes to level Davik's place

Then I can the difference 'tween two soldiers who look just the same

And tell all of the tales from that Knights of the Old Republic game

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

And tell all of the tales from that Knights of the Old Republic game

And tell all of the tales from that Knights of the Old Republic game

And tell all of the tales from that Knights of the Old Republicpublic game

**Canderous:**

Then I can write a washing bill in some ancient Sith cuneiform

And tell you ev'ry detail of Darth Revan's former uniform

In short, in matters present and of all things that have gone before

I am the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

In short, in matters present and of all things that have gone before

He is the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore

**Canderous:**

In fact, when I know what is meant by "rapid shot" and "force persuade"

When I can tell at sight a blaster rifle from a vibroblade

When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at

And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I can make a kill-shot from a dead run or a comfy walk

When I know more of tactics than a gizka on the Ebon Hawk

In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy

You'll say that Mandalore is just the greatest of this century

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

You'll say that Mandalore is just the greatest of this century

You'll say that Mandalore is just the greatest of this century

You'll say that Mandalore is just the greatest of this centurcentury

**Canderous:**

For my military knowledge, of which I've acquired quite a sum

Has only been brought down to the beginning of the millennium

But still, in matters present and in all things that have gone before

I am the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore

**Chorus of Mandalorians:**

But still, in matters present and in all things that have gone before

He is the model of the leader of the clans of Mandalore


End file.
